this weekend:
" I don't want to have cancer. I want to be healthy and drink Mojitos and play poker and go dance to GAGA for hours and then eat Carl's Jr. at 2 in the morning. I don't want to think about what "good for me" thing I should eat and how radiation is going to be weird and chemo, even weirder yet! I don't want to wait for results or be strong or brave. I want to be that 17 year old drunken sailor (I relate my inner child to a gay teenage sailor...my closest friends would agree)... I don't want to care if my insurance co. is running everyone around and threatening not to pay, I don't want to wait for any more friggin test results, don't want to give blood or have dye shot into me... just stick a thermometer in, tell me the temperature of the cancer and let's get the fuck on with it!!!!"
Yes...I had a decidedly whiny Memorial weekend Saturday. My girl was at a family reunion (thank god, poor thing, she's been attending the post surgery moi) so it was me and the kittens. After I visited my Mom and was a good little warrior, I went home and had my crying tantrum. I came home and cried like a baby for as long as it took to get it all out of my system.
Then, I ate popcorn with butter (ooh, la la!) and had ice cream (pretended it was a frozen Mojito)...played video games with the kittens in my lap and watched the entire second season of "Legends of the Seeker." (no, it had nothing to do with red leather) The next day, I pried myself from the adventures of medieval warriors with strange and sometimes hot powers, and went to the gym. I drank my wheat grass. I wrote in between napping with kittens. I even meditated...that's right, me, MEDITATED! And then I blasted Lady Gaga and danced until it hurt my boob... which was exactly 10 minutes.
One thing I've learned is that every brave warrior needs to acknowledge the other side of being brave. Cancer sucks. Yes, It's been a turning point for me to really see who I am, what I am made of and most importantly, who I want to be... but it still sucks. And just like anything else in life, it's my choice on what I do with what has been handed to me in life. And in some instances, what I've handed myself.
It made me think about how even before Cancer, would have such judgments about feelings I had instead of just having them and moving on. I never realized how hard I was on myself until I couldn't be anymore. I've had to become so much more patient with myself and my body... and because of that, it's so much easier to deal with things. Maybe it's because the weight of having to be a perfect human has lifted? I don't know... I just know that giving myself freedom to be flawed and make mistakes allows me to be so much more present and open to the world around me. Even when it sucks!
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