Why would you blog about breast cancer?

Because Molly told me to...no, seriously, I've been wondering about this. About why I Facebooked as well. It's true, there are lots of people I am connected through Facebook that have touched my life and who I care about... that have reached out to me and I wanted to reach back in a personal way.

Part of it is complete selfishness. I don't want to fight cancer along. I've spent too much of my life not asking for help and it's created difficult and painful situations to say the least. The other reason is for all of us... because one thing I've noticed since opening up this dialogue about breast cancer is that it has touched almost everyone I know either personally or someone they were close to. In some ways, we are all in this together.

And there was this woman in the waiting room that made me realize how we hold shame around getting an disease and fear. I was waiting in my little white robe, trying not to think about my diagnostic mamogram coming up and what they might find. I hadn't been diagnosed yet and at that time, had anxiety but didn't know what was in store for the future. But I remember this woman.

She was dressed in a neat and pressed suit and sat in this room to gather her things. She got out her phone and dialed and it looked like she was almost holding her breath. She told who I assumed was her husband that they have to schedule a surgery and she wanted to figure out when was the best time. She listened for awhile, expressionless and then said "well of course, I can schedule it after we come back." She listened more. Then she gave some obligatory "okay"'s then hung up.

And then her body just kind of slumped. Her eyes unfocused and she just sat there, her phone in her hand, her legs sort of turned into each other, like the way a fourteen year old tomboy might sit when no one is watching. Her eyes softened and something washed over her face that I can't even begin to describe. Sadness, fear with something like shame or defeat... I have no idea. But it broke my heart.

And then she looked straight up at me. I instinctually gave her a smile... you know the kind where you want to hug someone but you can't, so you kind of do it with your eyes and smile. In response, she pulled herself together and left, expressionless.

Now here's the thing: I have no idea who she was talking to or what was going through her mind. I could have been projecting the entire thing but it was that moment when she was lost in her thoughts and then her protective armor coming back up that stuck with me. Reminded me of all the times I tried to be something for someone else that because I thought that's what we do. We don't worry others. We don't impose on others.

So I just want to break down that wall and share what's going on with me... for me, yes. But also that maybe what I'm going through strikes a cord in you or might help you through what you might be experiencing. And I am learning as much as I can about my cancer and the connection of mind, body and spirit. I want to share with you what I'm learning so you might be able to not go through what I am.

Either way, thanks for joining me. And thank you for your love and support.

Next blog: How not to become a greenhouse for Breast Cancer

Hey Cancer, you picked the wrong Bitch!

So..... you know, I thought about this a lot and talked with my girl. What do you do when you get diagnosed with breast cancer when it comes to your friends who are far away. It seems weird to Facebook about it about but then, this place has also allowed me to stay in touch with so many people in a unique way. And, as I'm finding out very quickly, so many women and men have had breast cancer touch their lives that it can only enrich all of ours to share knowledge and stories about how we overcome the challenges of life..

And here's the thing: I am classically someone who doesn't ask for help... ever. Ask anyone who knows me, it's sadly true. So, as I prepare to kick breast cancer's ass, I am doing something different. I am asking for help. I'm asking for love.

Not just for me, but for my beautiful wife and everyone who is touched with a great challenge that rocks your very foundation and is a call to action. I will take all the love I can get so, yes, send it my way... good vibes, actual hugs, kittens...( never mind, played the cancer card and got Meg to agree to a kitten... HEY, I should get something cool out of this besides being a kick ass survivor)

And love everyone around you. I've also been struggling recently with some other issues of the heart and character and I realized that we can rationalize all we want why we do the things we do and how others have done this or that. But really what it comes down to in my opinion is how we love ourselves and how we love those around us. And it's never too late to become that person you want to be.

Someone I know said something really smart... love expands and fear divides. It's true and that happens between people but also within ourselves. So do me another favor, love yourself. Love your imperfect, completely contradictory, incredibly fragile but amazing strong self.

Meg and I are going to start of page for all of us to share anything we want to regarding challenges we go through, changes we make in our lives, people who have beat great odds, etc. And I will be taking names for my kitten too... oh, by the way, I want two but Meg says I can't get another one til I am cancer free for a year... done and done!

Peace and love to you all...

Robyn