"Love is like oxygen... "

What does that have to do with this blog? nothing really but let me try.

So, cancer does not do well in oxygenated blood. it hates it. Which is why due to my aerobics, I now have the blood pressure of a teenager. And not that drunken sailor either. Which I still miss by the way :) that doesn't make sense, but I haven't gotten much sleep so I don't care!

I'm filled with movie love and family love and friend love. Yes, movie love. I saw "undertow" last night at the Castro and fell in love again. What a beautiful and graceful movie. Seriously, see it. And the director was so passionate and said all the directory things that only geeks like us love... about location feeding character, shadow and light... the process of letting your script breath on it's own. Sigh and smile :)

So, off to Austin. Have to miss both screenings of WHTSN in Frameline, which sucks (did I mention that I hate being left our of anything??) Off for some treatments, hot springs and a wedding! Timing is everything and not always what you would like I'm finally accepting that.

But before I go, I am transferring my care over to what seems to be the Nasa of breast cancer treatment: UCSF. Just in time, while the bills are piling in and my bank account is drained. Bordering close on the filing that chapter that no one wants to file... is it still 13? The sad thing is, I know of three other people who have it worse than me. The are losing their houses...

Fuck. another friend of mine just told me their biopsy is cancer... she's a lovely woman. Full of life and this just friggin sucks.

Well, this blog was going to be different than I thought now. I am not going to finish it but before I go, this is what I got yesterday as a gift.

I had this amazing conversation with someone who has more advanced breast cancer. she had a mastectomy, but they found cancer in her lymph nodes and hers was super aggressive. It was bad enough that she lost her breast, had to go through full throttle chemo and hormone therapy... she was 44 and it slammed her into an early menopause which put her body into craziness it wasn't ready for. She doesn't regret it, she said she didn't have a choice because of how fast it was moving.

She is so brave and sweet and she is helping me get into UCSF so I can have the best care for my cancer. Before we got off the phone, we talked about how once you have been diagnosed, cancer is a part of your life... for the rest of your life. It's not a death sentence... no one, and even doctors say this now, can tell you what will happen. It's your cancer. There are only odds and you never give in to it. You don't accept it, you fight it. You get it out and try to make sure it never returns. You wage war. Whether it's wheat grass or apricot pits or the best of western medicine. You kill it first. You have to be the cheetah, not the impala.

But there is also a gift in this kind of war. It's figuring out how you want to live your life. There's a saying in some American Indians cultures: when they would great the day with "today is a good day to die." I used to hate that. I lost my sister when I was really young, so the thought of losing anyone was always so painful to me. But when my friend said that now she lives her life asking "what do I want to be doing when I die." ...and I got it. And that's the gift that some of us have to get the hard way... and it's not about choosing how you die. It's all about choosing how you live.

Now I'm going to go love my friend and give her the support so many of you and others in my life have continually given me. And then fly to Austin and wear a silk skirt in 97 degree weather.

xoxoxoRobyn