2011...."you hold me"

I have a niece. Her name is Frida... Frida Ruckus. Yes, that's her real name. Here is how Frida handles those uncertain times when she is feeling less-than. She walks up to her parents or Grandma or Meg. She outstretches her arms and says "You hold me." And they do.

I've spent the last week with Frida and her brother Rowan (he is a wise 6 weeks) and I have finally found the last part of what I need to move through the world. No more trying to pretend that I'm something that someone needs or wants. No more Superwoman, doing everything on her own and not asking for help ever. No more chip on my shoulder because someone doesn't realize they are being an ass.

Nope. From now on... a) when I want something, I ask for it. Like "you hold me" in the middle of a meeting when I'm feeling insecure. b) Like Rowan, I am going to let my passion engulf me from head to toe and if you don't like it... All good. See ya!
3) and if you can't treat me as well as I treat you... don't let the door hit you on the way out.

My biggest lesson of 2010 had to be the word "No." ... but just as strong, it was the word "yes." I guess the biggest difference is knowing when and who to say what to. Including myself.

Today, I have to say, I'm better than I've ever been. I'm thriving again... It's definitely the seriously wonderful people that have come into my life recently and those loyal loves that never left... and the inspiring creative projects that have rekindled my passion for what I do. But it's also me. I'm finally just me... and it's enough.

I used to tell people I felt like I was hiding most of my life. Let's just say that like a lot of people, I never found who I was to be enough...I was always looking for something outside of myself to fill in that gap. Usually everyone's approval. So I was always worried that everyone would figure out that I was not enough in some way. I wasn't the perfect friend or lover or director or daughter or person.

Well, FUCK THAT :)I, like you, am an amazing chaotic mix of sensitivity, courage and fear and passion... I have random instances of wisdom and sometimes equally foolish behavior. My brain and logic have a hard time keeping up with my emotions... my heart can be really naive even though it's been tempered with experience. I'm socially awkward and talk way too much most of the time. I'm the biggest geek I know and I'm proud of it. I'm as flawed as they come and seek out things to make me a better person but am no longer interested in being perfect.

Oh, this was a good lesson too! Like attracts like. The more I stay open to my passion and hold true to my own sense of integrity and strive be my authentic self, the more I am surrounded by good intentioned, solid and authentic people. And those people LOVE to dance. Always.

Cancer free update: I forgot I had an appointment with my oncologist. I went in.. was weighed and had my blood pressure. Sat in the silly room and read the magazines. The nurse checked my boob, took my blood for the hormone therapy check up and I made my appointments for 6 months for mamogram, gyno, etc.

It wasn't until I was waiting to sign something in the lobby it hit me. This was the first time I had been in that lounge in over in 9 months and not been waiting for results or a consult or a treatment. I watched this woman with what I like to call "the blank stare" of diagnosis. It's what happens when you find out you have cancer... and you are amongst all these other people, filling out something or signing something but your brain is trying to put it together... everything is in front of you and uncertain: the staging, the knowing, the treatments. So you have this blank stare while you try to keep it together when everything is screaming and scheming inside you.

I left and when I was on the bus I had this rush of tears. I couldn't stop crying and i just let them roll off my cheeks the whole bus ride home. I was crying because for now, my normal didn't include an operation or a poker game with my biology or radiation sickness or fear. I cried because the year washed over me and now, it was time for a new normal. And I cried because after all that, I'm less afraid of everything that life has in store for me.

So, 2011. Bring it on! Or better yet... allow me :D

Thank you for reading and supporting me through all this. I guess it was my "you hold me" for breast cancer and it helped me heal. Love and Light to you all!