Why would you blog about breast cancer?

Because Molly told me to...no, seriously, I've been wondering about this. About why I Facebooked as well. It's true, there are lots of people I am connected through Facebook that have touched my life and who I care about... that have reached out to me and I wanted to reach back in a personal way.

Part of it is complete selfishness. I don't want to fight cancer along. I've spent too much of my life not asking for help and it's created difficult and painful situations to say the least. The other reason is for all of us... because one thing I've noticed since opening up this dialogue about breast cancer is that it has touched almost everyone I know either personally or someone they were close to. In some ways, we are all in this together.

And there was this woman in the waiting room that made me realize how we hold shame around getting an disease and fear. I was waiting in my little white robe, trying not to think about my diagnostic mamogram coming up and what they might find. I hadn't been diagnosed yet and at that time, had anxiety but didn't know what was in store for the future. But I remember this woman.

She was dressed in a neat and pressed suit and sat in this room to gather her things. She got out her phone and dialed and it looked like she was almost holding her breath. She told who I assumed was her husband that they have to schedule a surgery and she wanted to figure out when was the best time. She listened for awhile, expressionless and then said "well of course, I can schedule it after we come back." She listened more. Then she gave some obligatory "okay"'s then hung up.

And then her body just kind of slumped. Her eyes unfocused and she just sat there, her phone in her hand, her legs sort of turned into each other, like the way a fourteen year old tomboy might sit when no one is watching. Her eyes softened and something washed over her face that I can't even begin to describe. Sadness, fear with something like shame or defeat... I have no idea. But it broke my heart.

And then she looked straight up at me. I instinctually gave her a smile... you know the kind where you want to hug someone but you can't, so you kind of do it with your eyes and smile. In response, she pulled herself together and left, expressionless.

Now here's the thing: I have no idea who she was talking to or what was going through her mind. I could have been projecting the entire thing but it was that moment when she was lost in her thoughts and then her protective armor coming back up that stuck with me. Reminded me of all the times I tried to be something for someone else that because I thought that's what we do. We don't worry others. We don't impose on others.

So I just want to break down that wall and share what's going on with me... for me, yes. But also that maybe what I'm going through strikes a cord in you or might help you through what you might be experiencing. And I am learning as much as I can about my cancer and the connection of mind, body and spirit. I want to share with you what I'm learning so you might be able to not go through what I am.

Either way, thanks for joining me. And thank you for your love and support.

Next blog: How not to become a greenhouse for Breast Cancer