Why we do what we do...balance in the reality of surviving Cancer

There is nothing easy about filmmaking but for some creative artists that I'm lucky enough to work with time and time again, it's the most natural thing in the world. To find a script that ignites your creativity to where it's not longer work to visual the words on the page. To have a piece that attracts talent, willing to work for less than they should, on both sides of the camera. To go without sleep for days at a time, riding on the high of what you can all create together. It's this strange combination of intention and will and synchronicity.

Right now, it's the lack of sleep thing that is challenging my balance moving towards my second year of being a Survivor. I've actually been able to do something extraordinary lately and that's not stressing about things that don't warrant it. Not an easy task when you are fundraising... and let me say this about fundraising: in so many ways, it keeps you going because everyone lets you know how much they believe in you and your work, the concept and all the talent you are able to surround yourself with.

The other side: not for the faint of heart in any way shape or form. For this amazing little script that had gotten me by the creative tail also has 3 elements that you really don't want in a low budget short film: a firetruck, a highway wall... and the biggest red flag for any script... a baby.

And of course, those elements are some of the most important in the script, so they can't be cut. These are the things that are getting me up at 5 am each morning to find, to permit, to audition... and ultimately to realize for our film.

So what do I do now to keep balance in the crazy landscape of film now? Being transparent about what I can and cannot do, finding amazing people to help in every way rather than thinking I have to do it all myself. Being open to the creative flow and being able to keep perspective that all this is to serve story telling, which I think is still one of the most important windows into human behavior and our shared consciousness.

Why do I do what I do? Because of the late nights when a script comes into my consciousness and plays out, shot by shot. Because of being able to work with actors take the words and the notes and then come up with some read or movement that is far beyond what you could ever imagined. It's also that I know that this project has a life beyond the screen... I'm so excited to work with people all over the country to help raise money for such an important cause as women and children at risk in domestic violence.

So, I sleep when I can.I do the best to keep my balance because I will always remember that there was a time when I wasn't sure I would ever be on a set again... let alone making something like this short film. Sometimes a girl just has to do what a girl has to do. 

What is keeping me up at night? Check out here our teaser video below and see:

www.indiegogo.com/appleseeds   
www.duendefilmswest.com

2011...."you hold me"

I have a niece. Her name is Frida... Frida Ruckus. Yes, that's her real name. Here is how Frida handles those uncertain times when she is feeling less-than. She walks up to her parents or Grandma or Meg. She outstretches her arms and says "You hold me." And they do.

I've spent the last week with Frida and her brother Rowan (he is a wise 6 weeks) and I have finally found the last part of what I need to move through the world. No more trying to pretend that I'm something that someone needs or wants. No more Superwoman, doing everything on her own and not asking for help ever. No more chip on my shoulder because someone doesn't realize they are being an ass.

Nope. From now on... a) when I want something, I ask for it. Like "you hold me" in the middle of a meeting when I'm feeling insecure. b) Like Rowan, I am going to let my passion engulf me from head to toe and if you don't like it... All good. See ya!
3) and if you can't treat me as well as I treat you... don't let the door hit you on the way out.

My biggest lesson of 2010 had to be the word "No." ... but just as strong, it was the word "yes." I guess the biggest difference is knowing when and who to say what to. Including myself.

Today, I have to say, I'm better than I've ever been. I'm thriving again... It's definitely the seriously wonderful people that have come into my life recently and those loyal loves that never left... and the inspiring creative projects that have rekindled my passion for what I do. But it's also me. I'm finally just me... and it's enough.

I used to tell people I felt like I was hiding most of my life. Let's just say that like a lot of people, I never found who I was to be enough...I was always looking for something outside of myself to fill in that gap. Usually everyone's approval. So I was always worried that everyone would figure out that I was not enough in some way. I wasn't the perfect friend or lover or director or daughter or person.

Well, FUCK THAT :)I, like you, am an amazing chaotic mix of sensitivity, courage and fear and passion... I have random instances of wisdom and sometimes equally foolish behavior. My brain and logic have a hard time keeping up with my emotions... my heart can be really naive even though it's been tempered with experience. I'm socially awkward and talk way too much most of the time. I'm the biggest geek I know and I'm proud of it. I'm as flawed as they come and seek out things to make me a better person but am no longer interested in being perfect.

Oh, this was a good lesson too! Like attracts like. The more I stay open to my passion and hold true to my own sense of integrity and strive be my authentic self, the more I am surrounded by good intentioned, solid and authentic people. And those people LOVE to dance. Always.

Cancer free update: I forgot I had an appointment with my oncologist. I went in.. was weighed and had my blood pressure. Sat in the silly room and read the magazines. The nurse checked my boob, took my blood for the hormone therapy check up and I made my appointments for 6 months for mamogram, gyno, etc.

It wasn't until I was waiting to sign something in the lobby it hit me. This was the first time I had been in that lounge in over in 9 months and not been waiting for results or a consult or a treatment. I watched this woman with what I like to call "the blank stare" of diagnosis. It's what happens when you find out you have cancer... and you are amongst all these other people, filling out something or signing something but your brain is trying to put it together... everything is in front of you and uncertain: the staging, the knowing, the treatments. So you have this blank stare while you try to keep it together when everything is screaming and scheming inside you.

I left and when I was on the bus I had this rush of tears. I couldn't stop crying and i just let them roll off my cheeks the whole bus ride home. I was crying because for now, my normal didn't include an operation or a poker game with my biology or radiation sickness or fear. I cried because the year washed over me and now, it was time for a new normal. And I cried because after all that, I'm less afraid of everything that life has in store for me.

So, 2011. Bring it on! Or better yet... allow me :D

Thank you for reading and supporting me through all this. I guess it was my "you hold me" for breast cancer and it helped me heal. Love and Light to you all!

Chasing normal... pass the ointment.

There are two ladies I every morning at 9 am when I go in to get my boob radiated. Sandy and Anne. These are not their real names by the way... they know I blog about them but who knows who is out there on Facebook land. The are both 53 and started about one week after I did in treatment. I give them boob updates and we chat, drink lots of water and flash each other to see how we are doing.

Sandy (not her real name) is very proud of her "girls." She is always super calm and then she told me that whenever she has a really bad morning she has a valium. Her doctor gave it to her when her incision split open during chemotherapy. That was in May. That was also when the doctor told her that she had "black woman's cancer." The doctor explained that many black women get a very aggressive form of cancer. And that's what she was dealt this hand.

Sandy took it in stride. She had cancer in 3 spots on her boob, she elected to have them take the offending tissue and tumor out and then reduce her other girl (she was a double D) at the same time. She also asked them to give her a lift.

Sandy likes to show her "girls" to us. I have to say, they are very good looking boobs. Her scar is angry and still not what it should be, but the girls are proud and high on her chest. One of them is getting very pink, which in Sandy's words is more a regal purple. She also likes to hug a lot, which makes me smile every morning.

Anne is self professed hippie. She wears socks with her sandals and we have long conversation about how to mix western medicine and alternative. She is married with two kids and her doctor told her not to worry about her lump three years ago. She also elected not to do chemo, barely said yes to radiation and probably won't take tamoxifen. She says she doesn't want everything to change now.

On Tuesdays, the OR brings their more advanced patients down the to nuclear basement. That's the day they bring the people with cancer that is too advanced for an operation. Kathleen, the woman I talked about before, is one of those people now. She had a double dose of chemo and radiation every day for 5 weeks. Now, they have to insert tubes into her cervix and shoot little pellets of radiation at the tumor to shrink it. It works. It's fucking painful and everyone I see on those gurney's looks scared and very drugged out. Surprisingly, the survival rate for this treatment is getting higher and higher. And for two days a week, for 3 weeks, that is Kathleen and probably thousands of other peoples normal.

And that's something that no one really explains to you when you get cancer. You will be chasing normal for a long time. Everything changes. For me, there were a lot of really positive changes in all departments of my life. I was actually really depressed before being diagnosed because I like to grip on hard to things when I don't want them to change. I also used to ignore the things in life I didn't want to see. In life, in other people and worse, in myself. It's not how I can live my life anymore. You can't ignore cancer and survive. You can't be victim and be a warrior. So I had to change.

My temporary normal is radiation. And here ere is the thing about radiation... no one can tell you how your skin will react. Last night, the boob was on fire. I'm lucky because I only have little blisters right now, and they are staying little so far. I have steroid creams for the itching, and naproxin for the pain and vitamin D ointment for at night. I won't go into any other detail but I will say this... my nipple is PISSED!

4 more days and then apparently, there is a week where it heats up and it gets much worse. Then, it starts to heal. I have no idea what that means and no one can really tell you. You just have to wait it out, armed with nipple pads, more creams and if you need it, something stronger than naproxin.

And I am a lucky girl. Every morning I see women and men being wheeled down from the OR to get treatment. The other day, there was a young girl about 19 in the waiting room wearing her open from pants. I , being me, left the lounge and then just broke down and cried. I can't complain anymore when I see something like that. I can't imagine being a teenager or a child having to go through this, or much worse that I see around me. And there she sat, being very brave on her first day, reading Elle with her Mom sitting next to her. Every morning I'm reminded how how amazing we humans are. I get a dose of humanity and that changes you. It counteracts anything my boob is going through.

So every morning, five days a week, when I want to curse the world for having sensitive boobs, I stop. Because my normal is pretty okay in the scheme of things here in the nuclear basement. And no matter what happens in the future, I have had an amazing dance for 51 years on this planet and have been loved and had the privilege to love some amazing people. I have nothing to complain about. And if that isn't lucky, then I don't know what is.

Big day at the races... does that machine have to look that weird?

My last blog was bullshit. No, not the one you read, the one I wrote last night. That one was my in my peaceful place. It was accurate at the time, but right now I am neither calm nor peaceful. It's my coping mechanism of "fearful wonder."

Yes, fearful wonder. Here's the thing: that friggin' radiation machine is scary looking. Yes, there are stars on the ceiling of the radiation room and little unicorn stickers on the rim that you can't help but stare at. There is also a glitter sticker that spells "bionic boob team."

And there is a bionic boom team. It takes a village to zap you with radiation. I have 8 people, making sure that beam goes to the boob and not my heart or lungs or chest wall which of course are very close to my left boob.

The entire left boob. I was hoping to get off with a smaller zap but no, I am once again in that gray area... this time, it's my age. In cancer years, I'm young. 51. Not scary young, like the poor people in the their thirties. Just because of age, they are 10 times more likely to have cancer reoccur and they have no choice.. they get the semi-automatic guns.

Like Chemo... for me, survey said no to Chemo. Because there is no cancer in my body now as far as anyone can tell, there was literally no scientific proof that chemo would help me in any way. My blood is perfect, my organs and lymph nodes clear...
Chemo would be a huge gun that may or may not hit the target but would hit everything else in my body.

Including my bone marrow and my sweet papa died from complication of a blood disease so... after hours with Dr. Rugo and understanding each treatment on the molecular level and weeks studying statistics and understanding everything I possibly could... ... I made the choice.

Radiation is not really optional though, because you actually slightly increase your chances of cancer spread just by having surgery. So you must zap the area and get any pre-cancerous cells or any cancer left behind. And when your in the 50's age range, that means the whole boob. Damn!

The day they tattooed me for all this, I was sort of fascinated and put at ease because of this team I had. At one point I fantasized about my boob having super powers after treatment (hey, it worked for Spiderrman.) I stared at the shadow of my incredibly cold boob on the wall of the xray machine with a laser beam across it and thought what a great shot it would be for this screenplay I'm writing about Vegas.

That was last week. Today... with that same cold boob I'm staring up at the real machine and wondering what it's going to feel like and what do I do? I start to cry. Not hard cry, the tear streaming kind. I'm about as stoic as a five year old. And nowadays, I am who I am. So Mark (one of my team) asks me if I'm okay and I say... "Yeah, this is just all kinds of weird. Space age weird." And then I to laugh. And that's when I knew that I'm totally going to be fine.

So tomorrow, with my 8 little tattoos on my boob, I will lie under that weird looking machine and think about all the things I'm going to do with my bionic boob when this is done. I'm going to stare at the little unicorns and think of all the women who have been on this machine before me and all the ones who will follow.

And I'll think about how my fine now is not at all what it used to be even a year ago. And I'll think about all the unseen tattoos I have from people and things that have come and gone from my life and even some that remain... wonder which ones will blow back to me and which ones were just meant to help me become the me I am now. And I will do that over and over again for 5 days a week for 5 weeks. And that's what my fine is today.

Nasa has carpeting/Finale coming up for WHTSN

So... I'm still a week away from knowing what my treatments are. I was very much hoping that it would be clear what I would route we would be taking but because my new doctor is one of the top Breast Cancer Onocologists in the world, it turns out that my course is not that simple. Since I won't know what's up til next week, I wanted to take this opportunity to sing the praises of a series that in many ways changed my life, both personally and professionally. And it was all with the talent I was lucky enough to work with.

I have to start with Meredith Baxter. Come on!!! Cathy is responsible for bringing her to our series and how cool that? I would be lying if I didn't say that I was nervous the first day I met her. Yes, I'm a new director to web series but I've directed plays and short films since I graduated High School, so I'm not sure what happened the day she showed up for the reading but except... I grew up watching her in TV movies and I'm a HUGE socially awkward geek. So there you have it.

Anyway, Meredith was awesome. She brought her natural gift of comedic timing and an attitude of "try everything" to our set. She also has worked on some big sets, so she adjusted to our little production band of thieves very well. My favorite suprise about her is that she is a total smart ass, so we all got along very well indeed. So happy to have been able to share a set with her.

The list of guest stars is mind boggling to me, especially when I think of the day we had all 18 of them. Or 20. I am going to make a blog just with their names soon.... Thankfully, Jill and Cathy are talented directors in their own right (as you can see from their work throughout the series) because without them on the set that morning, I would have crashed and burned for sure. A stand out for me is Kate McKinnon... she blew us away and in fact, if you look really close, you can see Jill and I laughing in the reflection on the seat behind her. They will hate me for saying that, but now you can watch it over and over again to see what else you can pick up in those seats :)

Kate just took this little piece of dialogue and spun it into a character that could have her own show. Her level of commitment to an improvisational way of bringing the script alive is a director's dream. If you haven't watch "The Big Gay Sketch Show", you need to. Kate is going to be gracing our computer screens, TV screens and hopefully someday movie screens for many moons... thank god!

Three new actors that you have to keep an eye on are Mary Frances Careccia, Alexis Boozer and Sage Mears. All three of them were the last standing in the auditions for Dee Dee. They were all exceptional in their auditions and exceptional in their own ways. If you watch them in the series, you can see what each brings to their roles.

Mary Frances finally won out. She's a wonderful and committed actress and in the end, it's the chemistry between her and her co-stars that won her the part. One of the best ways to see how an audience will react (a chemistry all it's own) is to see what one actor brings out in the other. It's the part of chemistry that you can articulate. Watching her audition with Ann, with an added directory twist from Jill, it was clear that Mary Frances brought out a more vulnerable Cindy... something that I've been dying to bring the audience since Season One.

Alexis and Sage were sooooo good that we had to write them into the script. That is the biggest compliment that a production can give to an actor who doesn't get cast. I loved working with both of them... one of my favorite days on set. They are both so strong in their instincts and flexible... it's wonderful so see such young actors that have the ability to be nuanced and subtle in their emotional turns. I can't wait to see what else these talented ladies can do.

Mary Francis is ridiculously talented. There is simple depth to her performance on screen which belies the hours and intensity in which she pursues her performance off screen. I fear that I could never really give her all the time she yearned for... I tried but our set was very much like a low budget television show where you get two takes if you are lucky and move on fast. Sometimes I would push for 6 takes on one thing, which would cost on others. She adjusted and gave strong, nuanced performance that is always grounded in absolute truth. Mary Francis is going to tear it up people... just watch.

Last but not least, I need mention Shannon Allel Reeve. Shannon is one the most giving and hard-working people I have ever had the pleasure to share a set with. She has an amazing lack of ego and besides being a fantastic actress, I would not have made it through a few days on that Cruise without her. She is tireless with an amazing spirit and I'm so glad to see her getting so many parts. She is a force to be reckoned with.

I'm not going to comment right now on the finale because it's behind the scenes thoughts and if you read this, it will reverberate without you knowing it. All I can say is that I am proud that I was part of the series that brought some of the best work I've seen from Jill, Cathy and Ann. Especially because of their involvement in every other aspect of the series.... not easy to do folks. Check it out.

So... that is my pre-finale, pre-treatment rant of the week. Have a glorious weekend all! I am diving into a sea of hospital bills and financial aid web sites. Not complaining though... in all things, I remain a lucky and ridiculously grateful, at some point to be breast cancer survivor who finally knows how lucky she is.

"Love is like oxygen... "

What does that have to do with this blog? nothing really but let me try.

So, cancer does not do well in oxygenated blood. it hates it. Which is why due to my aerobics, I now have the blood pressure of a teenager. And not that drunken sailor either. Which I still miss by the way :) that doesn't make sense, but I haven't gotten much sleep so I don't care!

I'm filled with movie love and family love and friend love. Yes, movie love. I saw "undertow" last night at the Castro and fell in love again. What a beautiful and graceful movie. Seriously, see it. And the director was so passionate and said all the directory things that only geeks like us love... about location feeding character, shadow and light... the process of letting your script breath on it's own. Sigh and smile :)

So, off to Austin. Have to miss both screenings of WHTSN in Frameline, which sucks (did I mention that I hate being left our of anything??) Off for some treatments, hot springs and a wedding! Timing is everything and not always what you would like I'm finally accepting that.

But before I go, I am transferring my care over to what seems to be the Nasa of breast cancer treatment: UCSF. Just in time, while the bills are piling in and my bank account is drained. Bordering close on the filing that chapter that no one wants to file... is it still 13? The sad thing is, I know of three other people who have it worse than me. The are losing their houses...

Fuck. another friend of mine just told me their biopsy is cancer... she's a lovely woman. Full of life and this just friggin sucks.

Well, this blog was going to be different than I thought now. I am not going to finish it but before I go, this is what I got yesterday as a gift.

I had this amazing conversation with someone who has more advanced breast cancer. she had a mastectomy, but they found cancer in her lymph nodes and hers was super aggressive. It was bad enough that she lost her breast, had to go through full throttle chemo and hormone therapy... she was 44 and it slammed her into an early menopause which put her body into craziness it wasn't ready for. She doesn't regret it, she said she didn't have a choice because of how fast it was moving.

She is so brave and sweet and she is helping me get into UCSF so I can have the best care for my cancer. Before we got off the phone, we talked about how once you have been diagnosed, cancer is a part of your life... for the rest of your life. It's not a death sentence... no one, and even doctors say this now, can tell you what will happen. It's your cancer. There are only odds and you never give in to it. You don't accept it, you fight it. You get it out and try to make sure it never returns. You wage war. Whether it's wheat grass or apricot pits or the best of western medicine. You kill it first. You have to be the cheetah, not the impala.

But there is also a gift in this kind of war. It's figuring out how you want to live your life. There's a saying in some American Indians cultures: when they would great the day with "today is a good day to die." I used to hate that. I lost my sister when I was really young, so the thought of losing anyone was always so painful to me. But when my friend said that now she lives her life asking "what do I want to be doing when I die." ...and I got it. And that's the gift that some of us have to get the hard way... and it's not about choosing how you die. It's all about choosing how you live.

Now I'm going to go love my friend and give her the support so many of you and others in my life have continually given me. And then fly to Austin and wear a silk skirt in 97 degree weather.

xoxoxoRobyn

Cancer sucks/actors rock: Part One

So... I am waiting for my first Chemo but also getting a second opinion on treatments. A good friend of mine suggested that I check out UCSF, which has the cutting edge newest treatments... so I am, which is yet another stack of paperwork and phone calls, etc but well worth it in the end. I'm still pretty sure about Chemo at this point. It's weird, you know no one can make this decision for you. And it's all a crap shoot in some ways backed up with statistics. My alternative medicine providers are against it, Meg is 50/50, other cancer survivors are mostly for it. And then there is me. With my gut. My gut says a hestitant "yes"... so, we will see. Oh yeah, and if my insurance decides they will pay for it (more on that later.)

Meanwhile, my life is not just about cancer. It's also about my passion for filmmaking and the amazing people I get to work with. I'll tell you right now, I love actors. As most of you know I worked on a web series "We Have To Stop Now" which is making it's mark on the internet and beyond. Season One is playing round the world in film festivals and from the looks of it, Season Two will be heading that way as well. Those ground breaking peeps at Wolfe Video are celebrating their 25th year and so happy that the show is a part of the Wolfe family. And amazingly proud to watch a project that started as a whim, that we produced for about 50 cents and bag of Doritos turn into full-fledged series.

As a director, I have to say the most satisfying thing is working with the actors. I could rave about working with the ladies of Dynakit (Jill, Cathy and Ann) but I've done that over and over (just listen to the commentary on the fan video of Season One) But what I want to talk about is the other crazy good talent I was lucky enough to work with on the show.

Starting with Suzanne Westenhoefer. I actually didn't know much about Suzanne before working with her. I knew she almost made me pee my pants when I saw her at Dinah in 2008 and that she was super sweet when we all hung out backstage. What I didn't know was what a hard working actress she would be... how much she would grow as an actress in the process of Season One and Season Two. How honest she is as a performer and willing to go wherever she needs to go to give a good performance.

Acting on the screen is not an easy to thing to do...ever. Even in a huge budget film, the stop and start... the disconcerting way a director has to break down a scene to film it. And on our series, the hours were xtra crazy long. We shot 8 - 10 pages a day in Season One and then topped it by filming 10 - 12 pages a day on Season Two. Sometimes on a moving ship with a hurricane at our heels.

Now I can tell you stories about producing and directing on that kind of schedule that would curl your hair, but imagine being an actress during that. All the actors pulled off such great work under those conditions, Jill and Cathy having the largest load as the leads. But Suzanne won the prize on our first day of shooting. I remember watching her on the 16th hour:

I was scrunched down behind the camera with the crew... we were all dead tired (I'm still sorry for the hours I put that crew through) and going for the perfect take. No lights in our eyes, not having to look good or perform. Suzanne had been there all day... performing the lines for other actors and then, into makeup and hours later... there she was. Performing like a rock star, like she had been on a film set her whole life.

She put so much trust in me and gave such a nuanced performance at the end of the day... when the rest of us were wilting behind the camera, she knocked it out of the ball park all night long. She friggin rocked it!

I can't wait to see what else Ms. Suzanne Westenhoefer will do in her career. I'm just grateful that I was lucky enough to be one of the first directors to see what a talented and dedicated artist she is.

Johnny McLaughlin...the last I heard, John was working on a new feature that would really show the world what this man can do. Always committed to bring the best to his character and the show, I loved every minute of working with him. My favorite is a scene which you actually haven't seen yet, so I can't give it away. But it's funny, touching and beautifully portrayed.

John is the kind of actor that is willing to expose himself in his part and I love that we get to see what a wonderfully complex character "Guy is. And it would only take an actor with access to all his sweetness, his snarkiness and his grounded talent to pull it off the way John does. Kudos Johnny. Johnny W. McLaughlin I mean :)

My only regret is that I took on too much during that production, so my time with the actors was much more limited than I would have liked. Because there is honestly nothing more amazing than watching what a great actor can do with the written word. Or the unwritten silence. When I was editing Season One, I used to just love to watch Jill and Cathy interact in the silence... or the exquisite timing they found in Ann's words. Ann's writing is a gift in itself... you already start on such a rich ground that it inspires you to do your best work in return.

Watching the actors navigate through the lovely twist and turns of Season Two was especially sweet. I'm really proud of how we all worked so hard in each creative session to find the more complex story lines of Season Two and build off what we sometimes created out of sheer instinct of Season One. And that in face of rocking ships, inhuman hours, carrying grip equipment back and forth, squeaking ropes at dock and other strange noises that come only from "shooting on a ship," I am so proud to see how far this series has come. And that only happens with the passion and dedication of everyone who worked on it.

Part Two: the other uber talented guest stars and supporting leads we got to play with.